(Taken from the Advertiser/The Guardian)
A young employee of the newspaper decided to interview the rising superstars 'Group Tam' - a chilling, horrifying, glorious and brilliant band spawned from the bosom of disaster (or Falkirk). It took place in a location of their choice, their hideaway in Norther Minnesota, in Tam Cave. Although he was never found alive again, we managed to salvage a tape - and this is a transcript of that very interview.
Group Tam - Madness or Beauty? By Rory Corona
Corona: I was picked up at the airport by a well-dressed man who claimed his name was Tony. He said he'd take me to Group Tam, but not before gagging me and pulling a dark (possibly from a farm) bag over my face. I see that this may have been necessary, if not menacing and frightening. There is a long car journey from the airport, and I think I may have been put in the car trunk. Fair enough, I thought. The car stops abruptly, police sirens blaring. This died down eventually after several gunshots and we continued to drive. I can hear the driver mutter something in what seems like Spanish, or Swedish. It gets colder. I begin to wonder where I am, and the car stops for the second time, and the trunk is opened. The bag and gag is taken off, the brightness hurting my eyes at first. When the light dies down, we appear to be on a remote island, made up of one mountain and a small village. I walk down the wooden pathway (not wondering how we got to an island) and the well-dressed man says 'NAW!' and i'm taken into the mountain.
The first person I see is a small, Mexican child, no more than the age of ten, holding what appears to be an AK47 and a large rocket launcher. Next to him is a smaller lad, who has pain, and suffering etched into his eyes - yet his expression stays still as he points the semi-automatic rifle in my face. I ask him his name and he grunts. The man takes me further into the cave and I meet the band - all around a circular table with many plasma screens, building blueprints and weapons. This must be the secret lair of Group Tam! And this, is the transcript of our conversation.
Corona: Hello there, I'm Rory - thank you for your time.
[Bert grunts something in Hebrew, and Smyles shoots a nearby swan.]
Mark: Awrite shen.
[What is this strange dialect?]
Corona: So, tell me, these blueprints, what exactly are they of?
Bert: Your mother's vagina. CUNT!
[Nick holds in a laugh]
Smyles: It's our Death Star/Metal Gear Rex. Think nothing of it, reporter.
Corona: I must congratulate you on the release of Insane Daddies!!!! It's went to platinum in seventeen states!
[Mark looks alarmed.]
Nick: I'd say it was our best album, Corona. What was your favourite track?
Corona: The epic masterpiece that was 'Working Class Boy'. Harrowing, and heartbreaking.
Smyles: Quit brown-nosing us, reporter!
[I pause. The mood is tense. Bert begins to sweat.]
Corona: I'm sorry. I must ask though, who is the 'Working Class Boy'?
[The band snigger and mention a cape. I don't question the matter further. I see Bert is sweating.]
Corona: What's wrong Bert?
Bert: NOTHING! I must tend to the crops.
[He leaves the cave]
Corona: I noticed a small boy weilding an AK47 on my way in. What's that?
Nick: That's Pedro. Leave him be.
Smyles: Aye, ya dick?
[Again, I am silenced.]
Mark: So why are you here, Corona? Do you want our fortunes? Our land?
Corona: No, I just wanted some intel on the group.
[Bert can be heard from the room besides 'A SPY! HE WANTS THE DEATH STAR! LOW FIVE! LOW FIVE!!! EXECUTION! GENECIDER!]
Nick: Oh yeah, on that note, i'd like to ask, have you heard our new charity song, Genecider?
Mark: It's a drink....THAT KILLS!
Corona: No, but i'll need to hear it. [I'm slightly taken aback by Mark.]
Smyles: Strawberry crush?
[I refuse the mans offer and realise i'm wasting my time here. As if he heard my very thoughts, Bert strolls in, a weakened man crawling behind him.]
Bert: This was the last man that interviewed us, Barry.
Corona: It's Rory.
Nick: It doesn't matter. You're ours now.
[And this is when I realise that all these people are insane. They close in.]
This is all that remains of Rory Corona's interview of Group Tam. He was found washed up in a beach in Kent, his body destroyed, his hair missing and one eye changed with that of a sharks.
